The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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