p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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