I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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