Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
