How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
