I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
