Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
