Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
worst night to have a conscience
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
