i need an iv and a liver transplant
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
