Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
