ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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