wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
