I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
