my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
