i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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