Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
