Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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