Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
