you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Randomize
