so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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