dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
