if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
