Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
