the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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