There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You're a waste of cheezeits
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
