i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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