I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
