Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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