You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
