I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
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i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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