remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
