he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
