Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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