he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
