I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
