well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
