ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
