I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
