I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
