my phone needs a breathalizer
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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