And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
