I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
