I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
