Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
