I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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