Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
