i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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