I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
