i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
