Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
