I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
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The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
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Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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