hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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