FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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