i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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