I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
