Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.