winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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